In The Mourning
by arca92
Summary: A/U: There comes a time in Arizona life when she have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it. Can Callie, a psychologist help her to make the right choices. A story about pain, lost, love, hope, dream, and second chance.
1. Chapter 1

So guys, this is a new story from me. It's about Arizona trying to heal after losing her wife (Lauren). And Callie (psychologist) wants to be part of the healing process. So I'm only uploading the first chapter. And if the story is well received, I will continue it. Lauren only exists in flashback (italic). And both Arizona and Callie exist in present time (normal). Along the way, I will explain more about each character. All mistakes are mine. So enjoy and let me know in the review. And Lauren haters please don't leave me your nonconstructive comments in my review just because you hate her. Completely A/U.

* * *

_*Flashback*_

_Lauren awoke to the feeling of lips leaving a soft trail across her bare shoulder. She was half naked in her own bed, lying on her stomach with an arm hanging over the side of the bed. She tried to open her eyes but bright light causing her to groan and turn her face into the pillow. The early morning light somehow managed sneaking in through the closed windows. Her memories from last night events were vague. And the pain caused by her obvious hangover making her head hurt too much to even function. Next time, she should listen to her wife more and not swallowing the whole bottle of tequila like some invincible teenagers. God, she was way too old to ever drink that much again._

_Arizona rested on the edge of the bed, fully clothed and ready for work. "Hey… sleepy-head… go back to sleep…" she whispered, sweeping messy strawberry blonde curls to the side and pressing a warm kiss to the back of Lauren's neck._

_"My head is killing me…" Lauren mumbled while coughing slightly to clear her throat. It was basically dry like a freaking desert. She moved, shifting from her stomach to her back. The covers slid down from her shoulders, exposing some of her chest. A small yawn slipped from between her lips as she watched Arizona staring at her with an amused expression._

_"I told you not to drink too much." Arizona let out a soft chuckled. Her wife was adorable, especially when she just woke up and drunk._

_"Where are you going? I thought it was your day off…" She said, releasing a whined sigh against the pillow. Great, she felt like a total crap and her wife is going somewhere._

_"Yeah, it was. But Teddy is paging me… I'm sorry…" Arizona trailed off._

_"Can you not go? Please… Please… Please…" She begged, clutching the front of Arizona's shirt with both of her hands and tugging her down. It forced Arizona to prompt her elbows down to stop her from falling completely on top of Lauren._

_"I wish, but I have to…" She tried stole another quick kiss but Lauren was holding her neck still and instantly pulled her into one deep kiss. Within seconds, they both moaned into a kiss._

_"Babe… I really…. really need to go…" She barely able brings herself to say the words between the kisses._

_Lauren wrinkled her nose a little and brought out her best puppy eyes. "I'm going to miss you… a lot…"_

_Arizona sighed heavily and placing a soft kiss to Lauren's forehead, finally forced her reluctant self to move over to the edge of the bed. Turning her head slightly to face her wife once more. "I should really go now… I'm already late."_

_Lauren found herself smiling, despite her throbbing head. "I see you at lunch?"_

_"Yeah… Sound good to me... Bye, I love you…" She blew a kiss and turned for the door._

_"I love you too Mrs. Arizona Boswell…" Lauren was heard yelling behind the closed door. Arizona had to smile at that. Even though they decided not to take each other's last names, but it still didn't stopped them from occasionally using it to tease. Arizona locked the front door and wore a huge smile on her face. Probably for the rest of her day. Life with Lauren was good._

* * *

"Hey are you okay?" Teddy reached out and grasped Arizona's forearm, giving it a firm squeeze.

"Flashback." Her answer was simple and easy. Teddy was there, all the way through hell with her. One word was more than enough for Teddy to understand.

"I'm sorry. What can I do to help?" Teddy voice was overflowed with sympathy for her friend. A friend who didn't deserve any of the bullshit that kept on happening to her.

"Nothing. It will pass… eventually…" Arizona released a breath she didn't even realize she was holding.

"You know I will do anything to ease the pain right?" Teddy said while tilting her head slightly. Her hands still rested firmly on Arizona's forearm.

"I know… But I miss her and there's nothing you can do about it." Arizona's expression was calm, almost detached.

"You need to talk about it you know. It has been 3 months now. You can't just keep on running away. You moved across the sea just to escape the talk. It's not healthy and everyone is worried about you. I'm worried about you."

"So now you regret having to follow me around and having to move here?" Arizona shot back at her.

"Ari…" Teddy's voice almost whispering now. She knew Arizona like the back of her hand. When things get tough, Arizona bailed. She was more confident in avoiding the problems than facing it like any normal people would do.

"I left because I'm tired of everyone looking at me with pity in their eyes. I'm tired of feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every damned day. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and then remembering that my wife is gone..." It was true, the first couple weeks after her wife gone, her colleagues, her staffs, her boss, even the coffee cart lady eyeing her like she was a beaten dog.

"I know, but…"

"Can you stop? My wife is gone and she left me alone. There's no need to talk more about it." Arizona swallowed thickly the lump that threatening to build in the back of her throat; her voice was softer than before. The guilt for snapping at Teddy slowly kicking in. She knew that her best friend just trying to help. But the thing was, she didn't need any help. She was fine. Time heals all; so she just needs to wait for time to heal her.

"911 in the pit. I have to go. See you at home…" Arizona mustered some courage before pushing the chair backward and stood up.

"Yeah, okay. See you at home…" Teddy answered softly.

Arizona jogged slowly across the hallway until she was welcomed with a massive commotion in the ER. God, something bad must be happening. People were running in pretty much every direction. Yelling and ordering at the same times.

"What do we got here?" She asked the paramedics who just came through the emergency door.

"10 years old kid, got hit by a drunk driver… massive internal bleeding… few crack ribs… his eyes are not responsive…"

"Okay… Get the boy ready in the O.R ASAP."

* * *

"Someone please page Dr. Altman for me." It had been about an hour now and Arizona still wasn't even halfway done. The kid's heart just too weak to handle the entire surgery so she needs the best cardio surgeon on her side. Just to be prepared.

All of sudden the monitors started beeping. It put everyone in the room on high alert.

"Pressure's dropping." One of the assisting residents spoke. "And we've got some bleeding."

"Try giving it more irrigation." Arizona ordered. "Damn, I barely see anything."

"Dr. Robbins…" Before the resident could say anything, Arizona cut him off.

"We've got to get the bleeding stop quick, before his loses any more blood." Arizona snapped. She could practically felt her heart beating out of her chest. She needs to save this kid. And by now, she wasn't above begging to God if it would help her. "Don't just stand there moron, find the source and stop it."

Just when Arizona thought the situation couldn't get any worse, the patient went into V-fib. The machines were beeping continuously as if it was mocking her struggle to save the kid.

"Dr. Robbins… He's coding."

"Screw this… start with cardiac massage…" Arizona threw her blade aside and manually started to pump the tiny heart. He's only 10 years old. She won't let he die, especially when he was on her table.

She knew she was fighting the losing battle here. The injuries were more intensive than she thought. There was nothing she could do to save the kid's life. But somehow, she just couldn't bring herself to stop and finally called the time of death.

"What happened? I got your paged…" Teddy barged in the room completely scrubbed. "You, fill me in…" She said while pointing out to the nearest scrub nurse.

"The patient went into V-fib and normal sinus rhythm was not restored for almost 5 minutes now." The nurse stated with the matter-of-fact tones.

Teddy made her way to Arizona's side. She slowly reached out to Arizona's hands that still massaging the heart non-stop.

"Arizona… He's gone… You can let him go now…" Teddy placed her hand against Arizona and gently gave it a squeezed.

"I can't stop… I can't…" Arizona's voice was hoarse, her throat was dry.

"Ari… Yes you can…" Once again, Teddy gave one gentle squeezed as she said the words.

Arizona persistence began to crumble almost instantly, and she turned around just to fall into Teddy's arms. Like always, Teddy pulled Arizona body closer against her chest and tightens her hold.

"Everything will be okay… Everything will be okay…" Teddy kept on repeating those words as she felt hot tears washed against her neck.

* * *

Arizona was ready to go home with Teddy when she paged by the Chief. She was hoping for nothing serious. She was extremely tired and completely worn out. So, she gestured Teddy to go home first as she made her way to the Chief's office.

She took one deep breath before knocking the door. Within seconds, she heard the sound of a deep voice asking her to come in.

"Chief, you paged?" She said as she stepped in.

"Yes, sit down." Dr. Webber reached out his arm to motion her to take the empty seat. He waited for Arizona to feel comfortable before he continued. "I think we need to talk."

"I'm sorry?" Arizona furrowed her eyebrows a little bit.

"I heard about what happened in the OR today. And I know it wasn't the first time." He stopped for a while to find a better way of saying what was in his mind without hurting the pride of a young surgeon in front of him. "I think it's time for you to get some help."

"But Chief, I don't need a help. I'm completely fine. I'm just having a really bad day. That's all." Arizona started to feel confused and cornered.

"Calling your colleagues moron and snapping at them when they are trying to help you is not fine. It's far from fine. I hope you know that." His voice was fixed and it reminded Arizona of her dad, The Colonel.

"With all respect Sir, I'm..." She wanted to argue the case but she knew there was no reasoning with Dr. Webber.

"You need help; professional help and I would suggest a counselling. Or…" He let his words trailed off.

"Or?"

"Or… I'm sorry that I have to let you go. You are talented surgeon, and it's great. But in here, we also want a surgeon that can work with others as a team. If you can't be that surgeon then I'm sorry, I have to let you go."

Releasing a deep sigh, Arizona finally found her nerve. "Okay, I'll think about it Sir." She answered submissively. She needed the job because to be honest, she liked it here. It was far from everyone she knew. And she just couldn't afford another do over.

"Good… So this is Dr. Callie Torres's card. She's great and I'm positive that she will be able to help you." His voice started to sound more lightly than before.

Arizona reached the hand forward to take the card. "Thank you Sir. I should probably go now."

"Okay… I see you tomorrow… and Arizona, please give Dr. Torres a call."

"I will…" Arizona shoulders dropped as she made her way to the door. She cursed every God in the universe for making her life so freaking miserable right now. Once she was outside, she took one good look at the name card in her hand before shoving it roughly into her pocket. So tomorrow she supposed to call some old psychologist with Calliope Torres as her name and asked her for help. Great, just great.

* * *

AN: Leave me review if you want me to continue the story.

AN: There are slight adjustments to Forgive Yourself storyline, so, I hope I can post a new chapter soon.


	2. Chapter 2

New chapter. All mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

* * *

(Fast-forward 6 weeks)

Callie Torres rubbed the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. Once again, Arizona Robbins skipped her 5 o'clock appointment. She was indeed disappointed but definitely not mad. Throughout their sessions, Callie succeeded in forming some sort of connection with Arizona. They moved from staring at each other's for 90 minutes straight to some light conversations and banters. When her mentor, Dr. Webber told her about Arizona, Callie did some research on her and to be honest, she couldn't find anything wrong at first. Arizona works were impeccable and her patient's outcomes were great. And for a while, she was puzzled with the request. So she dug deeper and only to find out that Arizona moved to SGMW two months ago after losing her wife, Dr. Lauren Boswell in a freak car accident. The accident that happened near to the hospital where both Arizona and Lauren work had been ruled as a murder-suicide, although the murder appears to have been unintentional. A Ford Mustang driven by 45 years old man crossed the center line and slammed into Lauren's white sedan. Her wife couldn't be saved and died during surgery. Ironically, the man who had every intention to die that night survived. Personally, Callie was fascinated by Arizona so far. For someone who had been through hell and back, she was holding up pretty well.

She walked back behind her desk to grab her phone. She knew Arizona wasn't in the hospital or in surgery so she must be at her apartment. She dialled the number and silently hoping that someone would pick it up. Including today, Arizona had skipped her sessions for the second times. Out of habit, she tapped her fingers against the hardwood table. After the sixth ring, it went into a voicemail. Callie pushed the red button with a loud groaned. It was almost 6 o'clock now and since there was no sign of Arizona showing up in her office anytime soon she decided to call it a day. She placed Arizona's file into her drawer and locked it just to be safe. There was no way in hell Callie would jeopardize all the confidential information in that drawer by leaving it unlocks.

* * *

Arizona finished the whole bottle of white wine by herself. Today had been hard for her. She helped to deliver a premature baby by emergency C-section earlier today. The mom, Sarah a 17 years old kid was admitted into her care yesterday after she fell in the bathroom. So Arizona let her stay for the night just to be sure. She still recalled being paged at 4 in the morning when the young mom complained sharp pains on her lower back. She rushed Sarah to the OR and soon enough, an angel at 1 pound and 1 ounce was born. He was placed in an incubator, as his lungs and other internal organs hadn't fully matured. As for now, he was in NICU and on a ventilator to help him with breathing. Her staffs were congratulating her for being a fast thinker and a life saver. If only they knew the guilt, the anger, the defeat, the shame that had been lingering on Arizona's mind throughout the surgery. The more people patting on her back or giving her a thumb up, the more she felt suffocated and trapped so she skipped the rest of her schedule and headed to the nearest bar, Joe's bar.

3 hours later, and Arizona still in her booth, with her head resting on her crossed arms. At this point, she was so drunk and dizzies that she barely able to keep up with herself. She was teetering on the edge of sleep, but not quite gone from the real world yet. A dull pain slowly creeping in her chest as it tightens. She welcomed the pain as that kind of pain helped to distract her from reality. She tried to close her eyes but memories from her past kept on flashing without her permission making it impossible. Memories that she would like to forget. So she kept her eyes blinked heavily as the unshed tears soaked into her sleeves.

* * *

_*Flashback*_

_Today was the first day for Arizona at a med school. Her parents dropped her off 2 hours ago. Since her classes started tomorrow, she decided to get herself comfortable with the areas around campus. Being late to class tomorrow just because she couldn't find it was inexcusable. Punctuality was her middle name. After 45 minutes of searching, she managed to find most of her classes. On her way back to her room, Arizona stopped to get herself a cup of coffee._

_"Hi, I'm Lauren."_

_Arizona's head snapped around. "Um, okay. Hi, Lauren."_

_"No, I'm the Lauren as in "Lauren" on the coffee you way over-sugaring." She said as she let out a soft chuckled._

_"Oh yikes… I'm-I'm so sorry. You know what? I didn't even look up there. I just grabbed it." Arizona stuttered._

_"It's okay… Really it's not a big problem."_

_"Arizona… Here you go…" The serving lady called out as another cup of coffee placed in the counter._

_"This is you?"_

_"Yeah…" Arizona began to nod her head slowly, a blush creeping up her neck and cheeks._

_"Um… Well, now it's me." Lauren reached forward for Arizona's hand to touch it lightly. "See you around I hope." She sent Arizona a flirty wink as she turned to leave._

_Arizona beamed her magic smile as she watched a perfect stranger leaving a mark on her. _

* * *

"Arizona…?"

Swollen eyelids shoot open at the sound of voice. "Dr. Torres." Arizona whispered, her voice was hoarse and sounded rough.

Acted on instinct, Callie put her bag down and naturally put her arm around Arizona's shoulders. "Hey… Are you okay?" And luckily, Arizona didn't resisting this time. Taking that as a hint, she tightens her wrapped around Arizona.

"I'm not…" Arizona's voice was thick and she was forced to swallow the growing lump in the back of her throat. She made no effort in hiding out the tears. For some weird reasons, she felt different whenever she was around Callie. And it was a 'good' different not a 'bad' different. Unlike everyone else, Callie always was being patient with her. During her first two sessions with Callie, she was being a total pain in the ass and still Callie didn't lose her temper. Not once she forced Arizona to spill her guts or to change. There was no judging between them. Callie also let Arizona to set the tone of the conversation. And so far, Callie managed not to piss her off.

"Try to breathe through it." Callie repeated the words as she ran her palm along her Arizona's back. Callie somewhat stunned with the whole situation. Not once during their sessions Arizona Robbins cried or portrayed any real emotions other than occasionally smiling and laughing quietly. So Callie was being extremely impressed.

They both sat in silent for almost 15 minutes as Arizona finally relaxed her body into Callie's.

"You want to talk about it?" Callie whispered.

"I can't." Arizona answered weakly.

"Okay. We don't have to talk."

'I'm sleepy…" Arizona said as another exhausted sigh escaped from her mouth.

"Close your eyes." Callie coaxed gently.

Another moment of silence passed.

"Can we just stay here for a little while?" Arizona murmured drowsily.

"Yes, we can." Callie hummed in agreement. After a while, she closed her eyes and held Arizona in a soothing embrace. She knew that it wasn't exactly ethical or professional to hug a patient in an open bar, but to be honest, she couldn't care less.


	3. Chapter 3

New chapter. All mistakes are mine. Enjoy and send me your opinion.

* * *

Callie was about to fall asleep on the couch when she heard footsteps. She opened her eyes just in time to see Arizona standing right in front of her. Callie could see that Arizona hasn't fully awake yet. She was staring at Callie, as if the brunette had two heads.

"Hey, are you okay?" Callie asked to break the silence.

"I'm drunk, drenched in sweat, smell awful, having massive headache, and a bit puzzles… But so far, I'm okay." She said as she shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

Callie smiled a little. "You don't remember anything?"

"I remember drinking alone in a bar…" Arizona narrowed her eyes before snapped up to meet Callie's. "Did something happen between us when I was drunk?"

"No… Nothing happened. I found you sleeping in a bar and you refused to go home. So I brought you here, to my house." Callie finished her words with a laugh.

"Oh thanks God…" Arizona slumped into a couch next to Callie. "What time is it? And how long did I sleep?"

"Well it almost 11 pm now, so I guess you had been sleeping around three and a half hours." Callie replied as she tilted her head to see the watch.

"I should probably call Teddy…" Arizona sighed.

"Don't worry… I already called her and she will pick you up after her surgery, probably around midnight."

"Thank you…" She said while closing her eyes shut again.

"Let me get you something to drink." Callie said after a long pause. She stood up and made her way to the kitchen. A few seconds later, the sound of glasses clicking and tap water rushing was heard by Arizona.

Arizona opened her eyes and she felt a rush of gratitude as she watched Callie making her way toward her with a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin.

"Here you go…"

Arizona took the glass from Callie and instantly bringing it to her lips. She took two aspirins and popped them into her mouth before swallowed them with a mouthful of water. She drank the rest of water in one breath.

"Thank you…" Arizona said as she passing the empty glass to Callie.

"My pleasure…" Callie replied. "So do you want to go back to sleep or not?"

"I can't… My head is killing me and I feel so uncomfortable right now. So I'm going to stay put and wait for Teddy." She closed her eyes with a groan, her head was throbbing.

"Oh, okay." Callie cleared her throat softly and proceeds in sitting next to Arizona.

They both sat in silent for a couple of minutes.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Arizona answered Callie's question with a light nod.

"You wore your brother's dog tag today… So what's the occasion?" Arizona once mentioned to Callie in one of her sessions that she like to wear her brother's dog tag as her lucky charm on several occasions and sometimes during difficult surgeries.

"Surgery." Her answer was short and simple.

Another moment of silence passed between them.

"Rough day huh?" She still tries to start a conversation with Arizona.

"Kind of…" Arizona's shoulders sagged as her right hand placed at her forehead.

"Want to talk about it?" Callie forced herself to not sound hopeful.

"Nope…" Again, her answer was short and simple.

After a moment Arizona opened her eyes and looked straight through Callie's. Her expression was neutral and calm. For once, Callie swore her heart skipped a beat. Arizona's eyes were so blue and the dimmed light in the living room managed to make it appeared more mesmerizing.

"Can I ask you something?" Arizona broke the silence.

"Hmm… Yea-yeah… I guess…" Callie swallowed hard; she didn't even know why she was stuttering.

"How much do I have to pay you? Or did hospital have to pay for my sessions? I mean, you're famous, and yes I kind of googled your name, so it must be expensive. Even your house is gigantic."

"No… No… It's free. I sort of volunteered to help when I see your file. Plus, Dr. Webber is like my mentor. So it's free…" Callie offered with a friendly smile. "And by the way, this house belongs to my parents, not mine."

"Okay then."

"So… You googled me huh?" Callie teased.

"So… You read my file huh?" Arizona teased back without missing the beat. Her whole face lit up brightly.

Callie could clearly felt her heart swell with joy. It wasn't something she felt in such a long time. But after spending her time with Arizona, she found herself yearning for more.

"Honestly, you fascinated me." Callie said with a smirk.

Arizona laughed before winched in pain and groaned. "God… Don't make me laugh. My head still throbbing."

"Ohh okay, sorry." Callie replied with chuckled.

Arizona phone buzzed indicating that she received a new message. She stood up a bit too quickly and immediately regretting it. She closed her eyes again and cradled her head with both of her hands.

"Let me get it for you." Callie said. She stood up and headed to the nearest table. It took Callie less than 10 seconds to retrieve the phone and to sit next to Arizona again. She handed the blonde the phone.

"It's Teddy… She's on her way now…" Arizona filled Callie in with the information.

"Give me your phone."

"Huh?" Arizona frowned her eyebrows in confusion.

"Give me your phone." Callie sighed in frustration.

However, Arizona still not moving so Callie reached out her hand to forcefully take the phone from her, and briefly looking down to enter her personal number. Once she was satisfied, she gave the surgeon the phone.

"Now that you have my number, I want you to call me if you decided not to show up to your session again. I kinda hate waiting you know."

"Okay… I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. I'm not mad, just worry… And I gave you my personal number, only a few people knew that. And I try to answer every calls and messages."

Arizona nodded; she didn't know what to say or to do. So they both fell into an awkward silence. 5 minutes later, Callie's front door bell rang.

"So, Teddy is here. I guess I will see you later."

"Yeah… Thanks for tonight."

"Don't mention it, my pleasure." She thoughtfully glanced up at the blonde. "Arizona, call me or text me okay. I don't care what time it is; just know that I'm here if you want someone to talk to or to get drunk with. You can count on me okay."

"Thanks…" She responded quietly.

Callie watched Arizona disappeared from the front door, and then released a heavy sigh. It had been such a long day for her.

* * *

"Sir you want to see me?" Callie asked as she jerked her head inside.

"Callie, please come in…" Dr. Webber reached out his arm to motion her to come in.

Callie stepped aside slightly before closing the door. She got a voicemail from Dr. Webber about 15 minutes earlier. It sounded urgent and serious.

"Sit… I have something to talk about with you." He ordered. His face was serious and left no room for a joke.

"Okay…" Callie never took her eyes off of the man.

"How's Dr. Robbins? Is she making any progress or still rejecting your help?" He fixed her with a hard stare.

"It's good… Really good…" She said with a smile, oblivious to Dr. Webber's mood.

"So did you hug your entire patient in an open bar and then take them home with you? Or only selected one?" His questions filled with the bitterness.

Callie's eyes widened a little. "What? I do not!" She was shaking her head and looked a little flustered with the situation.

"Don't lie to me Callie… I like to think you as my daughter, so I really don't like to be lied." He said with a stern in his voice.

"Sir… I'm-I'm just happened to meet her there, and-and…" Callie fumbled for words.

"I don't care… She's your patient and you're professional. So I hope thing like this will not happening again."

"Okay… It won't Sir."

"I put my trust on you. Don't betray it... You can dismiss."

"Thanks Sir… And I'm sorry…" She replied weakly.

* * *

"Dr. Torres, what are you doing here?"

Callie turned around and surprised when she saw Arizona walking toward her with a smile.

"I-I… hmm… I have to go… Bye…" Callie hesitated, clearly uncomfortable.

"Hey..." Arizona took a few steps forward. Nevertheless, Callie turned around and didn't stop walking until she rounded the far corner, before smashing her back against the wall.

Arizona watched Callie vanished so fast it started to look like she was running instead of walking. Still confused about what was happening, she fished out her phone to send Callie a text.

_Hey, I thought we are some sort of 'friend' right now… - Az_

Callie felt her phone vibrating in her pocket and once she took it out she saw the text sent by Arizona. She sighed heavily and instead of replying the text, she dialled the number she knew by heart.

"Hey gorgeous… Miss me huh?"

"Hey Addison… First of all, yes I miss you and I think I need an advice." Callie mused.

"So… Calliope Torres, the world famous psychologist needs an advice from a surgeon…" The red- headed still in teasing mode.

"I'm serious and I need your advice as my best friend, not as neo-natal surgeon." Callie playfully scolded.

"Okay-okay… What's going on?" Addison quirked an eyebrow even though she knew Callie couldn't see her.

Callie took in a deep breath, while closing her eyes for a moment. "I think I'm falling for a patient and Webber kinda warned me not to… And-and I don't know what to do?"


End file.
